Being 44 and Single in a Culture that Venerates Marriage Above All Things

 I'm going to speak very candidly to my married and unmarried friends who don't understand why or what it is like to be Single in a... I'm going to say culture not church for a very specific reason...a culture that above all other things values marriage more than anything... Even more, sometimes, than living a righteous single life.

The church is pretty clear about marriage and also the inclusiveness of those who remain single far past the "appropriate age" for remaining that way for whatever reason. The purpose of this post is not to delve into all the reasons someone might be single, but to talk about my own and to address the inappropriateness of the cultural prejudices that come, primarily, from those who are already married. 

First of all, I want to honor those people who believe that being single at an older age is a trial. My heart goes out to those people. They want to be in a condition that they are currently not in. I feel the same way about 10% of the time. And, I mainly feel that way when those who are married begin to make judgments about me and my current relationship status. The rest of the time I feel very blessed and love the life that I've been given. 

I come from a family where I never had a happy healthy marriage relationship modeled for me. I've forgiven those people, and I don't view this as being anyone's (like my parent's) fault. Going back generations, there's tragedy on both my father and mother's side. On my mother's side, my grandparents were divorced, and relationships between my family my grandmother's ex-husband were broken to the point where I never even met my grandfather before he died. I don't really even blame him for it. His was the most tragic story. His mother was killed by his father who then in turn killed himself. His sister, my great aunt, possibly witnessed the whole thing, but I'm not certain about that.

On my father's side, there are equally tragic stories. I want to be brief and bypass most of the details about them, but I will say a few things. My grandmother did not marry for love. I guess back then it was still normal to do that. I think she loved someone else who didn't love her, and then married someone else that she thought was a good person... but she wasn't in love with him. I have more in common with her than any other ancestor. Her father experienced the loss of his wife due to the pandemic of 1918. She had the pre-existing condition of Tuberculosis. So my grandmother lost her mother at the age of 5. 

I believe that I carry that grandmother's energy. My entire life I've been attracting men who I think are nice, but I'm not in love with them. There are very few instances where I've actually dated someone I was in love with, and those relationships started to mirror other of my family's dysfunctional patterns, so I had to end those. I sometimes wonder about my being single as a trial, or a blessing, or just a state of being.

I feel like I've been blessed to not have to be in a heart wrenching dysfunctional marriage like those that were modeled to me all my life. I'm a happy person. I love my life. I absolutely would love to be married, but I want to be married to someone I love and who also loves me. That doesn't seem like such a tall order. But, in my life it is. 

People who are married act as if they accomplished some great task... like they have mastered the skill of acquiring a marriage. But, I would like to suggest that perhaps they look at that differently. Being married to someone you love is a blessing. You've been given a gift. 

I am still single because I chose to settle for nothing less than a healthy marriage relationship. One that is based on love. My grandma once told me that I couldn't have that... that I needed to do what she did. 

I actually did try to do what she did but then also try to have feelings for that person (those people, as I tried multiple times). And, I succeeded... But the minute that happened that man (those men) stopped being into me. That's been my life to this point. 

Energy therapy is a huge part of my life for this reason. I believe that there are things God knows I need to change about myself, and how I am with relationships. I have more to learn about myself. I think I need to learn that love isn't out there but inside me. I don't need to be married to feel love. I don't think I've ever really been a person who loved myself or thought I was great until I discovered energy therapy. That has been the most powerful takeaway from my discovery of these tools. 

The Gospel has helped me remember who I am, and energy therapy has given me the tools to really feel like I am enough. And, it has given me permission to love myself AS I love others rather than putting everyone else as being higher than me. We are equally loved by God, and we are to love others EQUALLY... No pedestals. 

I just want to reiterate that I feel so blessed and happy. I love being single. It is not a trial. It is a blessing. And, if I am blessed with marriage in this life I will be happy that way too.